Monday, 6 July 2015

Posted by Ordinarily Quirky On 05:55
My Cringy Experience With A "Christian Grey" Type

(WARNING: Contains adult humour-typed content!) 

A few of my friends know this story but I've never talked about it here. Until now! Overall, I think back to this moment as a funny moment to talk about with friends when drunk, but at the time, it was just so fucked up! Let me explain.

I would have been just 17 and going through my first 'break-up', if you call 2 months a relationship, I wouldn't, but still. That's where my head was at. My 'Christian Grey' is not what you're thinking and our so-called 'Red Room Moment' was completely cringy, embarrassing and used for social entertainment and humour for others these days.

I was friends with the outcast group of school because I found their conversations a little more relaxed than the social clique. Because there's only so much "Oh, I love your hair!" *bitches about hair 2 minutes later* I could listen to.

Anyways, this guy was not in any way good looking, shorter than me but I liked him because I thought he was funny in some ways. Honestly, I don't remember what happened but we ended up going on a cinema date once which was awkward and uncomfortable. Again, I was 17, socially awkward in general with zero experience with guys. I had the virgin vibes going on! :)

The next time was when I was invited over to his house and I didn't think much of it. We only kissed once and it was shit, but it got me out of the house so why not!

When my mam dropped me up I was so nervous because I didn't know where I was, how long I'd be there and I began to instantly regret ever going. Woo clever me not listening to instincts yet again!

He answered the door and I felt so quiet and shy as I followed him to his room. The house was dark because of everything being made out of wood (no pun intended) so the vibes were just bad overall.

I sat on the bed and he began telling me OUT OF NOWHERE about how he writes erotic novels. Well that's a great conversation starter! 17 year old me could only voice the words "Okay?.." as he continued and said "I'm gonna read you something I wrote. For you." To which my inner reaction was:

It makes my toes curl just thinking about him when he read out weird shit and kissing various body parts and other body parts doing different movements. Eww. Eww. Eww. I personally think I blocked out what was read except for one moment where he acted a scene out. He read how he wanted to nibble my ear and then proceeded to do so.

Now, this can sound nice when you're with someone you:
1. Like
2. Are Attracted To
3. Don't Feel Queasy When Suggesting Such Things

So when he said that, my face was like a deer in headlights. My frozen body sat when he slobbered and spat all over my ear for what seemed like a year. Only realistically 3 seconds later I quickly shoved him off and stood up. My great response being "Em, let's not do that..." as I wipe my forever scarred ear into my shoulder followed by a disgusted face look.

He didn't seem phased at all and decided
"Hey, let me show you my box."

I wish I had of said something along the lines of the above. But nope. Quiet Doey just nodded and watched this guy root through his wardrobe and pulled out a wooden box (too much wood for my liking at this stage!!). He put it on the bed and stood beside me. He said "I keep these here so my parents don't find them." 

Visions of chopped up body parts or some sort of shrine to me flooded my brain. He opened it and proudly showed me his nipple clamps, hand cuffs and feather. He then abruptly asked could he try them on me. Because clearly I was so interested in him and his clamps...

Typically, without any tact, I laughed and said "Flip off!". (I didn't curse at this stage in my life, boy have I changed now!) So he has the great idea of showing me what the nipple clamps look like on his own nipples and I couldn't have felt more sick and creeped out. All I could think was how the clamps looked like little metal crocodiles. Why? BECAUSE I WAS ONLY A CHILD!! Ugh..

But it gets even weirder!

This Christian Grey type pointed at his radiator and said "See that radiator?" I wanted to say no just so he wouldn't continue but I just stared instead at the wall. He proceeded to tell me about his love of hand cuffing himself, wanking with the nipple clamps on and finishing off all over himself for pleasure. Yeah sounds like serious bants there!

Seriously people!! Imagine your teen self in this situation waiting on your mammy to collect you because you don't like the way this strange guy plays policeman with weird body pinching crocodile shaped yokes. 

Needless to say, when his mam came into the room just as he finished his chaaaaaarming conversation, he decided we better "mosey on up" to the sitting room. Direct quote. Didn't sound cool then. Doesn't sound cool now.

So we ended the ROMANTIC date (haw!) by sitting in separate chairs watching Two And A Half Men with me constantly looking out the window looking obviously uncomfortable. I know this because he kept asking me was I okay.


Mam drove up and I can honestly say I ran out the door. He opened it and whoosh! I was gone, never to look back. He was in the year above me so I barely saw him in school and when I did, I meanly avoided all eye contact. But c'mon, how can you look a person in the eye after 2 'dates' where one date included a fun game of Make Doey Feel As Awkwardly Uncomfortable As Possible!

I think 50 Shades Of Grey has an interesting story that is just that. A story. And I feel if that were to happen in real life to anybody, it would pretty much be a varied version of what I went through. No stranger can make you feel comfortable enough to clamp your nipples, spit in your ear and read porn to you. It's just not romantic or sexy.

Fair enough people are into that and that's cool for them, but this kind of stuff, in my experience is NOT second date material!

My advice? Simple: 

Get to know someone, don't spit in their ear and avoid showing them your box on your second meeting.

Until my next eventful life (over)share! 
Toodles! :) <3



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