Why Having A "Relaxing" Bath Is A BAD Idea!
We've all been there. A long, hard day at work where your feet are throbbing and your toes are staring up at you screaming "What's with all of this torture?! Sit the fuck down, woman!"
So you realise you have the place to yourself that evening and a bath for yourself is just what you need. Fill the bath, loads of bubbles, candles, the whole shabang! And it'll make your stressful day seem so far behind you...
*BEEP! BEEP!* Time to wake up to reality guys!
The thoughts of a bath can seem nice and relaxing, but if you're like me, everything goes wrong. And here's why!
I was living back in Crumlin and working with Concern Worldwide as a street-fundraiser. My feet were worn off me from the PREVIOUS day and I had to put them into water as soon as possible otherwise they'd burn through the floor. I remembered my roommate was away in Cavan for the weekend so I thought "Perfect! I can hog the bath!"
The reason this was such a big deal for me was because this bitch lived in the bathroom. I didn't care at this stage though because she was out of my way and I was going to take advantage of all the bubbles!
Although it was still bright out, I thought "Fuck the rules, I want to light candles!" and wanted to use nice smelling candles and tea lights around the bathroom to make it romantic for Me, Myself and I. A 3-way date ;)
I laid out the tea lights along the side of the bath, avoided putting them where my hair would be because I know I'd go on fire eventually, and put the fragrance candles over by the mirror.
I turned on the tap and filled the bath. Ugh it was going to take AGES! Why does the bath take so long to fill?! Yeah it's a lot of space to fill with water, but c'mon! The rate the water comes out of the tap you'd think it'd be full sometime that day, sake. No patience for it. I went into the sitting room and left it to fill up. When I felt it was nearly there, I stripped off my clothes and got my jammies (pjs) ready for when I get out.
Now, as I said, I don't have patience for filling the bath. Or cooking. Or sitting and doing nothing. I decided to bring in my bedside locker to the doorway, plug in my laptop, put it on the locker and watch a DVD from the bath. Best idea ever!
So everything seems perfect yeah? Nope.
Getting Into The Bath
You've been filling the bath for what seems like a century, you're naked and ready to hop in. But oh no! The water decides to turn into transparent lava that numbs any body part you put into it. It makes you wait, nakedly in the cold bathroom, for like, an hour! Fuck this shit. I'm getting in.
One. Limb. At. A. Time.
I'd say if I could look back at myself I looked like I was in Mission Impossible - A Slow Motion version. The toes take forever to settle, but once they're in scalding away, next is trying to sit down. Talk about awkward. The best way to describe it is the hesitation you have when you go for a wee (or poo for the lads!) in the morning and the toilet seat is cold, so you kinda of stop then sit on it properly. Except with the bath, the hesitation between trying to sit and actually sitting also lasts an hour!
I haven't even sat in the thing and already I'm fed up!
Right, we have the bits and bobs all tucked into the bath and after trial and error, and I can sit. But my balance was completely off, and guess what? I hit off the side of the bath and wahey! All the lit candles go plop.
"It's okay, I still have the smelling ones across the room, no stress, no stress."
Being In The Bath
I fuck the drowned candles onto the floor beside me and try to relax. Then I realise "I have to wash, shave and shampoo." Ugggggh! if you've ever been in a bath, you know that washing, shampooing and shaving is easy enough in a bath, but it's the rinsing. To properly rinse your hair and shaved areas, you have to magically become this gymnast who can bend the top half of their body into a pretzel to make sure it's all fully covered by the water.
I manage to do this after some effort, but because it takes forever to rinse, I couldn't be arsed shaving so half the purpose of the bath was pointless!
It's okay, I can sit back, enjoy the warm water and watch some tele.
The tele? Ooooooh, the one across in the doorway that you forgot to turn on?
Fuck it. I don't need tele. I just need to unwind.
Drip. Drip. Drip.
Ugggggh again. The tap is so fucking loud!! Let's just shove my toe up it, be grand.
Cramp. Cramp in my leg! Bluuuuuuuuhhhhhhh!
And don't even talk to me about trying to sit comfortably in the bath. Just don't even go there.
Leaving The Bath
This experience couldn't be anymore stressful! I'd just rather be in bed eating my weight in choccie. So I stand up in the bath, look in disgust how my bubbles lasted all of 3 minutes before disappearing and leaving a murky grey colour that is my body dirt. Well that's attractive!
I can't wait to put on my lovely warm towel!
That I forgot to put on the heater...
And left in the sitting room...
With my clothes.
So I had to walk out to the kitchen, like a ninja, because even though the apartment was empty, the big window over looking the park had it's blinds up and anyone could just peer in. And NO-ONE wants to see all this! They'd be too jealous ;) haha
I grab the towels, my clothes, and leg it to my room to get more comfy. Once I've snuggled into my jammies and dried my hair, I take a nice deep breathe and feel the relief of finally being done with my bath. I fall onto my bed and realise my tele's still in the hallway that was never needed in the first place. Stupid 'on' button.
I look at the water trail all over the floor, remembering the bath is still full of dirty water, the bathroom is becoming over powered with candles that smell like shit at this stage and there's clothes and towels thrown all over the floor, not to mention the soaked candles that developed into bath toys. After ALL of that, I have to go clean this up.
Baths = Absolute Bull!
Take my advice, ban baths and stick to showers. In. Out. Done. Less stress and they get the job done quicker. Who wants to sit in their own dirt anyways?!
Plus, the sooner, you shower, the sooner you get into your fuzzy socks! :D
Have you guys ever had a stressful bath experience? :) <3